January 5, 2009 at 4:07 pm | Posted in Social Media Shares and Mass Emails | 4 Comments
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“I saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.  But you didn’t see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.”

I saw you, too. I was hugging my purse closer so I could find a Gospel tract to give you, but when I saw you were buying a six-pack of Budweiser, a carton of Marlboros, and a copy of “Easy Rider,” I decided not to embarrass you in front of the cashier.

And, no, I didn’t see you put $10.00 in the collection plate, because it’s none of my business what people put in the collection plate. “Do not thine alms before men…”

“I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.  But you didn’t see me playing Santa at the local Mall.”

I saw you, too. I pulled my child closer because my child has a fear of black-leather-wearing, long-haired outlaws, who wear jack boots, and stride right toward them in public.

Again, you are right, I did not see you playing Santa at the mall, because the last time I let my child sit on Santa’s lap at the mall, my child realized, when she got close to Santa, that Santa looked like an outlaw biker.

“I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant when you saw my bike parked out front.  But you didn’t see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.”

You saw me change my mind about going into the restaurant because, in addition to your bike out front, there were 260 other vehicles in the parking lot, and a 45 minute wait for a table. Get over yourself, Evel Knievel!
I didn’t see you at the meeting for Hurricane Relief because I couldn’t go the Hurricane Relief meeting. I was working overtime to pay for my wildly inflated health insurance costs, due to the fact that every time a biker ‘goes down’ he costs the state hundreds of thousands of dollars in charity health care.

“I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by.  But you didn’t see me riding behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.”

If you don’t want me to roll up my window and shake my head when you go by, get a muffler, and stop intentionally gunning your 50,000-decibel engine, moron.

And that wasn’t a cigarette butt. It was a warning flare. You were riding two inches from my bumper, and if I have to suddenly hit the brakes, you’re the one who’s going to be eating asphalt, not me.

“I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn’t see me,when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.”

When you smile at my children, they shrink away in horror, because you are groomed and dressed like a maniac. Be glad I just frowned instead of calling the authorities, Mr. Sensitive.

Toy runs for the homeless – ha! I can carry 10 times the amount of toys in the trunk of my Sentra than you can on your chopper. What did you deliver? A Harley cigarette lighter?

“I saw you stare at my long hair.  But you didn’t see me and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.”

I know you saw me stare at your long hair. That’s why you wear it so long – so people will stare. If you really cared about Locks for Love, you would have cut off another 10 inches. It would still be long enough to make you look like a burn-out.

“I saw you roll your eyes at our leather jackets and gloves.  But you didn’t see me and my brothers donate our old ones to those that had none.”

No, you saw me roll my eyes and ASSUMED it was because of the jacket and gloves. I was really rolling my eyes because you and your ‘brothers’ think there are people out there ‘in need of’ black leather jackets and black leather gloves. We live in south Louisiana: Average yearly temperature with humidity index: 91.8.

“I saw you look in fright at my tattoos.  But you didn’t see me cry as my children where born or have their name written over and in my heart.”

Sorry, the thought of hot needles searing someone’s flesh gives me a look of ‘fright.’ Sue me.

No, I didn’t see you crying over the birth of your children. But can I come around when they’re older and watch THEM cry when their friends say, “Dude, your dad looks like Hellboy?”

“I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere.”

It’s not illegal to change lanes.

“But you didn’t see me going home to be with my family.”

I was watching the road. There’s no making you happy, is there?

“I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be.  But you didn’t see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.”

My bad, I couldn’t hear you honk your horn to get my attention over the sound of your bike.

“I saw you yelling at your kids in the car.”

I was yelling at them to stop rolling their eyes at the long-haired tattooed freak.

“But you didn’t see me pat my child’s hands knowing she was safe behind me.”

She wasn’t safe. She was choking on fumes. But you can’t communicate orally on a bike over the roar of the engine, so you didn’t know that, did you?

“I saw you reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road.”

Let me suggest you keep your eyes on the road while biking, instead of keeping a running tally of what’s going on in every car around you.

“But you didn’t see me squeeze my wife’s leg when she told me to take the next turn.”

Okay, ‘brother,’ next time I’ll be sure to stare long and hard at your wife’s leg. Will that make you happy? Can I follow you to the next rest area and have a turn squeezing it too?

“I saw you race down the road in the rain.  But you didn’t see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.”

It’s called the ‘weather channel.’ Tune in for a few minutes before heading out to ride. What – your son’s not ‘good enough’ to borrow the bike? Just because he’s on a date in a car won’t stop him from trying the old ‘thigh squeezing’ trick.

“I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time.  But you didn’t see me trying to turn right.  I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you didn’t see me leave the road.  I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass.  But you didn’t see me. I wasn’t there.  I saw you go home to your family.  But you didn’t see me.  Because I died that day you cut me off.  I was just a biker.  A person with friends and a family.  But you didn’t see me.”

Look, buddy, if we were both in SUVs all we would have is some property damage and a few nicks and scrapes. You’re the ‘family man’ who decided to relive his misspent youth on a two-wheeled death trap.

“Repost this around in hopes that people will understand the biker community.  If you don’t repost this, it sucks to be you.”

Yeah, I guess it does, with my nice dry interior, air bags, and original hips and spine. Maybe one day I’ll wise up and be so cool that the first thing people think of when they see, hear, or smell me coming, is ‘Hell’s Angel.’

“I hope you never lose someone that rides.




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  1. […] Response To “Court Date” Email January 28, 2009 at 12:01 pm | In Uncategorized | Tags: 1 Peter 3, Christian emails, evangelistic emails, Genesis 18, just mercy of God, justice of God, mass emails, Proverbs 17, Psalm 85, spam I receive a great many mass emails. Some of these are evangelistic or at least Christian-themed. Many of them are just plain foolish and irritating, such as the whiny, misguided “Just a Biker” email, to which I have responded before. […]

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