I’m Just Sayin’ 12

November 7, 2018 at 4:19 pm | Posted in I'm Just Sayin' | 1 Comment
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My daughter’s soccer career is over, but, I’m just sayin’, I’m not the least bit upset about it. Her career amounted to one season (her senior year) playing on her school’s co-ed team. I think they won one game (maybe two). After encouraging her to play tee-ball when she was small, fast-pitch softball as she grew older, and finally four years of high school volleyball (at which she excelled as the team MVP – #pleasednotproud), I felt like I owed it to her to let her try soccer, after she was persistent in asking me.

I have never had a very high opinion of soccer. Growing up, we played baseball, football, and basketball. The rich kids played tennis or went to swim meets. Soccer seemed like some weird game invented by foreigners who, for some reason, didn’t enjoy throwing and catching. I am aware, though, that times have changed. Public parks are now filled with little kids running around in shin guards and bouncing balls off their heads on purpose. Plenty of high schools and most major colleges have soccer teams.

I’m just sayin’, I never played soccer myself until very recently. Our church has a big open field next to it that would be ideal for baseball, softball, or football (real football, I mean, the American kind, where people can physically throw each other to the ground without getting one of those yellow or red “cards”), but instead it became the location for Saturday afternoon soccer scrimmages or “friendlies” or whatever they’re called. So, not wanting to be left out, I started playing, too. And, yes, you guessed it, I am horrible. Competing against people who have played their whole lives, I appear totally uncoordinated with my feet. Little kids race around me, “dribbling” in a weaving pattern, bouncing the ball off their heads, hips, and knees, making it somehow curve in the air so that it sails just out of my… I was going say “out of my reach,” but that’s a big part of the problem. You’re not allowed to “reach” in soccer. Good grief! I’m just sayin’.

Here is a short list of the things I don’t like about soccer (other than the fact that I stink at it):

1. You can’t use your hands. Seriously! A game which prohibits the use of your most dexterous body parts – parts that were clearly designed by God, our Creator, to be used in throwing, catching, and batting down balls – may not technically be sinful, but it certainly seems unnatural. How can we glorify God with our bodies when we shirk the use of His gifts in that way? I’m just sayin’!

2. It’s boring. A “high-scoring game” is something like 3-2. Are your kidding me? Many games end in a 0-0 tie! I’m sure I could look up the origins of the game on the internet if I cared to, but, I’m just sayin’, for now I’m sticking to my personal opinion that the game was invented, or at least popularized, by alcoholics, so that the spectators could get together and drink copious amounts of beer without having to worry about missing any of the scoring while standing in line at the concession booths or going to the restroom.

3. Offsides. In real football, when a receiver gets past his defender, and is streaking open downfield, with nothing between him and the goal line but open space, the quarterback heaves it as far as he can, and, if the receiver can catch it – yes, CATCH. IT. USING. HIS. HANDS. the way God intended – then he’s home free for a touchdown. In basketball, a steal can easily turn into a long pass down the court to a teammate who has slipped back beyond the defense and is waiting by himself for a slam dunk. Very exciting. In baseball, a long fly ball can sail right over the centerfielder’s head, and the batter keeps running until the ball is retrieved and thrown back in, or until he crosses home plate for a score. It’s the outfielder’s fault for not playing deep enough. But in soccer? Oh, no – not so fast, Pele’! You find yourself all alone near the opposing team’s goal, having slipped past the defenders unnoticed, and a teammate manages to send a long kick down to you. You are “open,” but this is not an automatic score, because you still have to get it past the goalie or goal keeper or whatever he’s called – the only player who CAN use his hands! But, no, what’s that whistle you hear as you are about to “equalize” a one-point deficit in the final minute? Yes, offsides! Ridiculous! As if this game wasn’t absurd enough! I’m just sayin’.


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